As a relationship professional for over 40 years, a child of divorce who has been divorced twice and finally found his soul mate (we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this year) I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to find and have a happy, successful, fulfilled life and relationship.
First, let’s acknowledge that there are no credible research or “facts” that can answer this question. Relationships, love and the human experience are a “soft science” and research can only identify trends, not facts that apply to all, as opposed to “hard science” like math, physics, medicine, etc. that can prove facts and efficacy.
So any answer to this question is pure opinion and some will be informed by a large enough body of experience and learning and some will be based upon a narrow POV of one person’s beliefs and anecdotal experiences. I encourage all readers to be critical thinkers and don’t believe what anyone says that you can’t find credible proof for.
That said, when I dip into my brain for an answer I’m inspired to share two of the biggest principles of life, love and relationships for successful Conscious Dating that I’ve learned over the years:
Principle #1: What’s inside shows up on the outside.
You can’t hide your conscious or unconscious beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, trauma, fears, weaknesses, etc. Everything eventually leaks out, especially in a primary relationship living with one person day after day. You may have a lot of positive strengths, desires, good intentions, hopes and dreams, but it’s your weaknesses and the parts of yourself that you deny and don’t like (sometimes referred to as your “shadow” self) that will sabotage your life and relationship(s).
“What’s inside shows up on the outside” is also a great definition of the Law of Attraction. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not, like it or not, agree with it or not, it is inescapable- trust me, I’ve tried. “Like attracts like” is a unifying principle of the Universe, as important and pervasive as gravity, without which, atomic elements wouldn’t stick together.
Principle #2: Your relationships are your mirrors.
What you put out, whether conscious or unconscious, intentional or unintentional, desired or undesired, gets reflected back to you by those closest to you, especially your primary partner. It isn’t their fault and they can’t do otherwise, but it is their GIFT to you as you can’t deal with something if you pretend it doesn’t exist, deny it, suppress it, and focus on your desired view of yourself that your ego wants to be real.
So how do you learn to love yourself and truly experience love with others? It’s a long journey (took me 50 years) that starts with truly embracing the above and learning to love, appreciate and deal with the parts of yourself that you deny and don’t like, both conscious and unconscious, and the two principles above will help you even if you would rather not deal with them. This involves a level of emotional risk and honesty with yourself and others that most people avoid at all costs and choose to be angry, unhappy and miserable rather than do so.
Your painful relationship experiences are learning opportunities and if you can finally realize that you create your own relationship failures and commit to changing that, the tools, resources and support you need to do so are all around you and easily available.