Conscious Dating Blog

By David Steele

This month our Director of Singles Programs, Lynne Michelson asked our coaches:

“A common problem that occurs for singles is the experience of a relationship ending but the feelings continuing for many months or longer with resulting sensations of emptiness and loss They know perhaps the relationship was not healthy, or that they are better off without the other person but they still feel “hooked” despite knowing the person isn’t right for them. They might also know their requirements were not being met, but they cannot get the person “out” of them. What thoughts do you have about this?”

It occurs to me that this problem is true for the breakup of committed relationships as well. Getting a divorce does not erase your love for, or your attachment to, your ex. This has certainly been true for me and many people in my life I care about.

It is tortuous to feel strongly about someone, really want it to work, but choose to let the relationship go because you must. If it could work, you would certainly find a way!

In my experience and opinion, what keeps relationships together, and makes breaking up hard to do, is more than love; it is attachment.

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

Attachment can mean many things, ranging from emotional affection to physical affixation. Psychologists have whole theories around attachment and identify clinical disorders caused by it. For our purposes, we can define attachment simply as a “strong emotional bond.”

We humans get attached. To objects, like cars, houses, money, books, clothes, etc. We get attached to routines (e.g. washing your hands), beliefs (e.g. killing is wrong), sensations and experiences (e.g. orgasm), activities (e.g. work), and people. In the extreme, our attachment can be an addiction.

HOW ARE LOVE AND ATTACHMENT DIFFERENT?

Love and attachment seem pretty interconnected, but distinctly different. Without going into highly debatable explanations and theories, it seems to me that love is a positive feeling toward something or somebody, and attachment is an emotional need for something or somebody. The major difference seems to be that love is other-directed, and attachment is self-centered.

NEEDS VS. NEEDINESS

If attachment is a self-centered need for something or someone, then it makes sense to me that if we have difficulty letting go of a relationship that doesn’t work, it is less about love and more about our own grief, fears, loneliness, and emotional needs/deficits.

For more about the role of needs in a relationship, see the article “Needs vs. Neediness”

WHAT TO DO ABOUT ATTACHMENT?

It seems to me that the first step to letting go of an attachment is to be clear about love vs. attachment:

• Understanding the difference (e.g. attachment is not love)
• Understanding the implications (e.g. it’s about me and my needs)
• Understanding the consequences (e.g. if I continue to pursue a relationship that doesn’t work I’m setting myself up for failure)
• Acknowledge and honor the needs that are driving you to pursue an attachment that isn’t working by finding ways to satisfy your needs productively. It is hard to let go if doing so means falling into a chasm of pain and emptiness.
• Get the support you need to move on and pursue involvement in activities and with people that are productive for you. A coach and/or support group is great for this.

 

If you find yourself continually pursuing an attachment that doesn’t serve you, seek the support of a therapist knowledgeable and competent in helping people with sex/love addiction and co-dependency.
© 2005 by David Steele /www.consciousdating.com

By David Steele

As I had my morning coffee, the “Dear Abby” column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that “Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex.” This is a great summation of the “Sex Trap.”

The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.

Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:

• They believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
• More commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.

So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being. But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, “Well, we’ve got problems, but the sex is great!” They most likely wouldn’t admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.

“For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap,” North says. “In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn’t going to be good?”

Nonetheless, North adds, “I suspect this is a ‘guy’ thing rather than a ‘gay’ thing.”
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can’t control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can’t “make” chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
© 2004 by David Steele / All right reserved /http://consciousdating.com

by David Steele

Our reality and results are largely determined by our beliefs and attitudes. Attitudes are internal beliefs that create your experience of yourself, others, and life; the way you see things and your internal state of “being” that are largely self-fulfilling; they WILL be true because you believe them and allow them to be true.

Attitudes are influenced by your personality and experiences, and can be positive and productive, or negative and unproductive. You can consciously choose the ones that serve you and let go of the ones that sabotage you.

TOP SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS OF SINGLES

Everyone has fears and self-limiting beliefs, but are often unaware of them. Check the ones below that fit for you. When reading each one, do a “gut check,” and if you experience the slightest physical or emotional reaction, it most likely applies to you.

ABOUT SELF:

_____ 1. I’m not good enough
_____ 2. I don’t deserve love
_____ 3. I don’t deserve to be happy
_____ 4. I’m not __________ (attractive, successful, young, rich, thin, etc) enough
_____ 5. I’m too __________ (old, unattractive, dysfunctional, late, unsuccessful, etc)

ABOUT DATING:

_____ 6. All the good ones are taken
_____ 7. I have to take what I can get, or be alone
_____ 8. My “Ideal Partner” doesn’t exist, or is already taken
_____ 9. There is no such thing as a “Soul Mate” or “True Love”
_____10. I must be “realistic” in my expectations

ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

_____11. I will be rejected if I ask for what I want, or say “no”
_____12. I will be abandoned if I care too much
_____13. I will hurt the one I love
_____14. I will be smothered or controlled
_____15. I will lose myself
_____16. I will be hurt if I trust
_____17. If you really know me, you won’t like or love me

TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES

Below is a list of attitudes that I believe are important for singles to adopt to find fulfillment in life and relationships.

1. I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes
2. I strive to live and “be” in the present
3. I love, accept, and trust myself
4. I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal
5. I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with myself and others, aligning my words, values and actions
6. I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences
7. I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals
8. I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear
9. I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships
10. What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally

In what ways do you limit and sabotage yourself?

How can you adopt the beliefs and attitudes you need to be successful?

Letting go of self-limiting beliefs and adopting productive attitudes is very challenging to most singles. Dating and relationships can trigger these issues quite strongly during the Attraction stage, and really test your resolve.

The Attraction stage is a pivotal point in Conscious Dating. As you notice yourself being challenged by these barriers, I encourage you to get the support you need from your friends, family, therapist, coach, and/or coaching team. No-one is successful alone.

©2005 by David Steele / www.consciousdating.com

By David Steele

• She’s so hot!”
• “He’s a hunk!”
• “Men/Women are only after one thing.”
• “Why can’t men/women see past my body/bank account?”

Women commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by men solely for their physical attractiveness, and men commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by women for their job or money.
When we don’t know someone, it is natural to focus on the outside packaging. It is also understandable to be attracted to something that is very important to us, such as looks or money. Deep down we know that potential partners, like us, want to be viewed as multi-dimensional beings, not just a body or a wallet. Yet, in dating, whether straight or gay, young or old, unconscious singles commonly focus on the one big thing that attracts them, and then wonder why their relationships don’t work.

The “Packaging Trap” is one of Fourteen Dating Traps covered in Chapter Three of my book Conscious Dating.

In our culture we objectify people by focusing on their age, gender, race, clothes, hair, weight, job, finances, and other external characteristics, and make generalizations about who they are as a person. When scouting for potential partners, it is common for some singles to focus on the packaging first, then not see much else beyond that. This works both ways- rejecting some people because of their packaging, and pursuing others because of their packaging.

Focusing on packaging can interfere even when you don’t intend to. True personal story- Maggie and I met on Match.com only after she had the smarts to modify her search criterion when she wasn’t finding anyone compatible. My search missed her because I selected 5’ 2” as my minimum height (Maggie is 5’ 1 ½”) and she selected her age and older (I’m 18 months younger). Neither of us intended to discriminate based upon such external packaging characteristics and reject potential partners younger or shorter! When Maggie modified her search criterion to include men a few years younger she found me, and I’m very glad she did.

It is understandable to have preferences and reactions to external packaging; however, if our goal is an internal experience, such as to be happy, loved, and fulfilled in a relationship, we may need to balance our attraction to the outside packaging by paying more attention to the person inside.

I recently had a conversation with a single friend who, after completing our Conscious Dating Relationship Success Training for Singles program (RESTS), has been working with one of our relationship coaches for several years. He was frustrated about getting involved in relationships that appear promising in the beginning then don’t work out. He and I have had an on-going debate about his weight requirement- no more than 5 pounds overweight (I could never figure out how he would measure that!). Body shape was his first and primary sorting tool, pursuing women with great bodies (who were usually not attracted to him) and immediately rejecting women who were not slender.

Still single and nearing retirement age, he was despairing of finding a partner. I like him a lot, wanted to see him happy in a relationship, and really wanted to help. This time, our conversation focused more specifically on the Law of Attraction, and how his weight “requirement” may be interfering with his success.

Remember, the Law of Attraction can work for you or against you. If you objectify others by focusing on their packaging, then you will probably be objectified in return. As a man objectifying women by their appearance my friend might be attracting women who objectify him by his appearance, job, money, car, or other external packaging characteristic, and might not be capable of the kind of relationship he really wants.

In our Conscious Dating RESTS program, we specify that Requirements are almost always behavioral events in the relationship, not traits of a partner. This has been challenging for many singles that are used to making a list of what they want in their ideal partner. I like to say, “you can make a list of a hundred traits or qualities, find someone that meets all of them, and STILL be miserable.”

We help singles refine their list and translate their requirements from traits of a partner into behavioral relationship events by asking “What does _____ mean to you?” and“What must happen in your relationship to be _____?” Any personal trait or characteristic can be transformed into a behavioral relationship event, such as “Good listener” into “Good communication” or “Deep listening to each other.” The more specific and bottom-line- the better. Most requirements go both ways and involve both partners, such as “good communication” and“addiction-free.”

Balance is the key. RCI coach Mike McCartney said “JUST the outside without the inside won’t work. JUST the inside without the outside won’t work for the vast majority,” and I agree. It is natural to have some requirements related to packaging, such as race, height, age, and even body type or weight, but I prefer to de-emphasize focusing on packaging that doesn’t have much to do with a quality relationship, and emphasize what is required to have the life and relationship you want.

In practice, very few external characteristics pass the requirements test- “If you were totally in love and really wanted this relationship to work, would you break it off because of _____?”

The 2001 movie “Shallow Hal” has a great example of this. Jack Black as Hal, a single guy obsessed with external packaging, was hypnotized to see only the person inside and pursued Gwyneth Paltrow’s illusionary slim character. Then, when the hypnotic spell broke and he saw her actual obesity, he decided that her weight didn’t interfere with his love and desire for her.

My friend held steadfastly to his weight requirement, fearing that if he let go of it, he would end up with someone he was not physically attracted to. I tried to reassure him that with the Law of Attraction “like attracts like,” and if he let go of focusing on weight he might be opening the door for his soul mate- a wonderful woman who is attracted to him, to whom he too will be attracted.
At the end of the evening, my friend still seemed skeptical, but he said I gave him a lot to think about. I hope he can let go and give the Law of Attraction a chance to work for him- at this point he has nothing to lose!

PACKAGING TRAP: Focusing on outside packaging, such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions, etc, overlooking the reality of the person inside. Opposite of the Marketing Trap; instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.

SOLUTION: Define your requirements for the life and relationship you really want and seek to balance your attraction to the packaging by paying attention to the reality of the person inside.

© 2005 by David Steele / http://consciousdating.com

By David Steele

The “Rule of Three” has many incarnations and applications, as a cursory Google search will reveal. In the area of relationships, you may have heard that the “third time is the charm,” and while that has certainly been true for me, I’m not recommending getting divorced twice to find your life partner.

The “Rule of Three for Conscious Dating” says that when meeting someone attractive to you, it takes at least three contacts to determine mutual interest and comfort to proceed further.
This is not good news for fans of “speed seduction” whose goal is to manipulate the outcome and immediately “hook up.” (OK. I see you’re excited about the idea, so go ahead and look it up in Google and continue reading when you’re ready).

In the real world of singles, the most anxiety-producing situation occurs when you spot someone attractive to you that you would like to meet. This is so stressful that an entire industry caters to singles to help them with this; for a price.

Save your money and use the Rule of Three. Here is an example:

Let’s say you are attracted to the teller at the bank. You could flirt, deliver your best pick-up line, and ask what time he or she gets off, but you anticipate (rightly) that if they have any class they would not be comfortable with that approach.

So, what do you do? Try the Rule of Three:

CONTACT #1: You smile, make eye contact, introduce yourself, ask their name, make small talk, pay a compliment, anything you would do to be friendly with anyone in any setting.

The purpose of this first contact is to walk away having left a positive impression.

CONTACT #2: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now that you are on a first name basis you can start with small talk and add some personal sharing about something important to you related to your requirements such as your children, work, etc, as you would for our “Power Introduction.” Note their reaction- positive, negative or neutral. Having revealed something specific about yourself, you then ask him or her about the topic (e.g. “Do you have kids?”).

You are seeking to do three things at this step:

-First; discover whether you have anything in common, especially an important requirement.

-Second; confirm your attraction and interest after discovering something real about this person.

-Third; leave another positive impression, this time based upon something real about you.

CONTACT #3: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now it will be like a reunion of old friends. Talk a bit further about what you have in common. Towards the end of the transaction say “I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Would you be interested and available to meet for coffee sometime?”

Notice the above is a clear statement about you, and asks about their INTEREST and AVAILABILITY. Asking in this way is typically construed as friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving him or her lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. Most people would be flattered and positive; don’t worry about the people that take you the wrong way, they are simply screening themselves out. You’re just being authentically, benignly and innocently friendly. It is very helpful for you and for them to not be attached to the outcome- they can accept or not, you will be fine either way.

ALTERNATIVE #1: If asking so directly is not your preference, you can give them your business card and say “I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Here is my card. I would love for you to call or e-mail if you are interested and available to meet for coffee sometime.”

ALTERNATIVE #2: You can repeat Contact #2 as many times as you like to build more comfort and learn more about each other before you decide to try #3.

The Rule of Three for Conscious Dating can be applied any social setting such as a party, except you would use intervals of 15-30 minutes instead of hours or days.

Scouting and initiating contact with people that are attractive to you is essential to being “The Chooser.” I hope the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating will empower you to take more initiative and be a successful single .

The important thing about applying the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating is to be authentic, especially with your bank teller, because he or she already knows more about you than most of your friends and family!

© 2005 by David Steele / http://consciousdating.com

By David Steele

Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it seems like romance goes out the window.

Does this sound familiar?

Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”

Partner #2: “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?”

Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.

Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure, she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies. After awhile, this might get old! (True story- happened to me!)

What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh and exciting?

Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:

TYPE 1: Partner #1 creates a romantic experience for partner #2

The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively focused on what would please partner #2.

TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner #1

TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centered romantic experience

The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%, to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2’s experience at all.

TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centered romantic experience

To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain, for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement for decades to come.

I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying to please both.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute, author of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. http://consciousdating.com/

By David Steele

As I spread the word about conscious dating and conscious relationships I’m amazed that not everyone agrees with me. I’m learning that for some singles “conscious” is a turnoff.

OK, it’s just a word, so if Conscious Dating doesn’t work let’s use another one to get our point across. How about “Courtship?” Now there’s an old-fashioned term few can take issue with!

According to the dictionary, Courtship means 1. The act, process, or period of courting. 2. Specialized behavior that leads to or initiates mating.

By contrast, Wooing means 1. To seek the affection of with intent to romance. 2a. To seek to achieve; try to gain. b. To tempt or invite. 3. To entreat, solicit, or importune.

So here’s my take on the difference- Courtship is a conscious process of selecting and building a relationship with a potential life partner, and wooing is pursuing someone you’re highly attracted to with a specific goal in mind; typically sex or to “get” the man or woman in some way.

Wooing seems romantic and desireable to some folks. To me it seems self-centered and impulsive. You are pursuing what YOU want based upon your feelings of attraction and immediate goals for sex, companionship, etc, and you’ve decided that THIS person is your target. People who woo are concerned with what they can do and say to accomplish their immediate goal.

Courtship takes the long view, respecting your potential life partner as someone to get to know and determine mutual fit over time. In our culture being patient and delaying gratification is undervalued.

Courtship means you’re honest with yourself and the person you’re courting about your intentions, and they are interested in you as well. When you’re authentic there is a risk of rejection, which might be why wooing seems more attractive to some singles.

Conscious Dating means to be clear and intentional about dating. If you are simply seeking sex, that’s OK, we call it “Recreational Dating” and recommend being honest about it. In spite of your scarcity fears, you’ll find plenty of takers if you know where to look (such as Craig’s List “Casual Encounters”). If you don’t like to think of this as being “conscious,” then go ahead and call it “wooing!” If you’re single and seeking your life partner, I will stick to my guns and continue advocating being conscious, intentional, and authentic if your goal is to find the love of your life and the life that you love.

In a new trend, singles are becoming increasingly disillusioned with internet dating and seeking alternatives. In spite of millions of singles using the internet and the promises and success stories of online matchmaking websites, I’ve heard the same thing over and over from singles across the country who are frustrated with internet dating-

“It’s great to have a lot of choices, but it takes a lot of time and I don’t seem to meet anyone I have much chemistry with.”

 

This trend makes sense to me. In some ways, using a computer to find your soul mate is like trying to cook a souffle in a microwave. Some things just require time, effort, and the human touch.

 

This article explores the upsides and downsides of internet dating, attempts to explain why internet dating doesn’t work for some (most?) singles, and suggests some alternatives.

 

Top Five Advantages of Internet Dating

 

1. Reach more singles

2. Inexpensive (relatively)

3. Enough information available for efficient sorting

4. Anonymous

5. Easy to control most aspects of the process

 

Top Five Downsides of Internet Dating

 

1. Overwhelming number of choices

2. Encourages “shopping” mentality

3. Many users are less than truthful

4. Some users are game players, predators. cheaters

5. Complacency- tempting to rely on the internet and exclude other options

 

The Internet, Chemistry, and the Law of Attraction

 

Today’s singles seem to be relying on their computer a bit too much and complacently expecting the internet to deliver their soul mate. This is a version of the Fairytale Trap (one of fourteen dating traps in my book “Conscious Dating”). The internet is a wonderful tool (I use it!) but doesn’t seem to work effectively as the only tool for finding potential partners.

 

I believe that the two biggest reasons why the internet isn’t effective for many singles is the role of chemistry and the Law of Attraction.

 

Chemistry is critically important for a successful relationship. Everyone wants a partner they feel strong chemistry with, and a relationship would be pretty dry and unsustainable without it. The Fourth Principle of Conscious Dating is “Balance Your Heart With Your Head.” Identifying your requirements, needs, and wants does not minimize the need for chemistry. You need both! I like to think of chemistry as the radar that helps you find your target, then you use your requirements, needs and wants to decide “yes” or “no.”

 

The Law of Attraction is inescapeable and either works for you or against you. If you’re “busy” or “shy” and the internet is your only means of reaching potential partners, in a way you’re hiding behind your computer and the Law of Attraction is not likely to help you. The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like” and “energy follows attention,” meaning your results reflect your thoughts and your actions. Over the years I’ve become convinced that the Law of Attraction is a powerful law of the Universe, like gravity. Just like “what goes up must come down,” try as you might, you can’t avoid or change the principle that “like attracts like.”

 

If you’re hiding behind your computer, what people, relationships, and
results are you likely to attract?

 

Top Five Ways to Find Your Mate Without a Computer

 

1. Use your support community

 

Most people find their soul mate through someone they know, so don’t be a lone ranger (another dating trap!) and lean on your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors to assist you to meet potential partners.

 

2. Start a dating pool or networking group

 

Get a group of singles together (any gender mix) to support each other to meet potential partners. Most singles know lots of other singles of both genders, so pool your resources and do some matchmaking for each other!

 

3. Reach out to people

 

In today’s busy world with cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail,
and the internet promoting impersonal ways of interacting with others, it’s easy to forget the lost art of engaging with real people that are right in front of you. Make an effort to reach out to the people you come into contact with in your everyday life and watch your relationships blossom.

 

4. Make more friends

 

Since most people find their soul mate through someone they know, be open to developing new friendships and expanding your support community. Chances are you already have acquaintances at work and other places that you would enjoy spending more time with. Friends are easier to find than dates, and friendships often last longer than romantic relationships!

 

5. Get involved

 

Too many singles lead isolated lives centered around work, home, and a few friends. Participating in clubs, groups, classes, charities, church/temple, is the most important way you can leverage the Law of Attraction to help you find your soul mate. You’ll meet new people, make new friends, and pursue hobbies and interests important to you that bring you in contact with other compatible singles.

 

Balancing High Tech with High Touch

 

Technology can help us in many ways. However, let’s not forget that humans are social beings and finding your life partner is a relationship goal that is probably more effectively acheived by getting away from your computer. You’re more likely to find relationship fulfillment by living a full, rich life among real people doing the things you enjoy that make your life meaningful.

 

As the ancient Roman playwright Terence once said- “Moderation in all things.” Do you think he meant the internet as well?

 

Let’s address this problem of over-reliance on the internet for finding love. Please pass this article along to the frustrated singles in your life that you care about!

 

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the new ground-breaking book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World

 

Visit his website at www.consciousrelationshipresources.com for free audio programs, live tele-seminars, and cutting-edge relationship information for singles and couples.

As the holidays approach I get many inquiries from singles who don’t want to be lonely while their family and friends are cozily spending quality time together. These singles don’t want to be alone during the holidays, they want to have fun with someone!

So I got creative. If you’re single and want to have fun with someone over the holidays (or any other time) here are five ways you can get a date within 24 hours.

One qualifier… in Conscious Dating a “fun” date is recreational dating, the purpose of which is to have fun, not find a long term partner, therefore anyone fun qualifies. Therefore, you don’t need to carefully choose someone who is highly aligned with your requirements and highly attractive to you. The hard part of recreational dating is keeping it fun and not getting involved. Believe it or not, it’s easiest to do this with someone that clearly is not a good match for you!

With that qualifier in mind here are some ideas-

1. Date your Ex

Got your attention? It’s not as crazy as you might think! If you have a cordial relationship with an ex, why not? You know each other well and know how to have fun together.

2. Date out of your league

We get so focused on finding “the one,” wouldn’t it be fun to take a break and date someone significantly older or younger, of a different race or gender, etc, than usual? Recreational dating is easiest when it’s with people we clearly wouldn’t choose for long term, so how about dating someone dramatically different from your usual pattern?

3. Post a contest on Craig’s List

“Win a date with me!” contest. Entrants submit a description of what they propose to do on their date with you, and you choose the one that seems the most fun. People cruise Craig’s List and similar online communities for things to do, places to go, and people to meet. DO NOT use this strategy for anything other than recreational dating! (see above qualifier).

4. Date a “loser”

I know I’m going to get flak for this one… but search personal ads for the most pathetic lost soul you can find who would be happy to go out for a little fun and let loose, knowing it’s a one-time thing. Someone who you wouldn’t ordinarily consider dating in a million years. Who knows? You might have fun and learn something about yourself and the human race.

5. Date a family member or friend

Wouldn’t it be nice to have fun with one of your kids, your brother or sister, mother or father, or a friend? Take this opportunity to get to have fun with them and get to know them better by breaking your usual pattern with them and go out to a dinner and play, etc.

No need to be alone during the holidays or at any other time if you’re not picky. If you’re lonely, use these strategies to have fun!

Want More Than “Fun?”

If these strategies don’t appeal to you and you want more than fun, you want a relationship, then take care of yourself by not settling for less and continue your quest for your life partner. In the meantime, I recommend spending quality time with your family and friends, and perhaps widening your social circle by making new friends. Not only will this help you get your social and emotional needs met while you’re single, but here’s a secret… most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know!

Happy Holidays and my best wishes in your journey to live the life you love with the love of your life.